Treacle's diary. Extracts from the blog of a feline secret agent.
|Monday May 9 03.00-07.00 hours|
|Whilst patrolling the house at night, checking that the premises are secure, I see something moving on the kitchen shelf. Decide it is an enemy infiltrator. It's a tricky jump, upward and to the side, but I manage it. |
H'm. It was the shadow of some leaves thrown through the window. Still, apart from a few pots knocked to the floor, no harm done. Give junior staff an arrogant glare when they come to investigate. Move along folks, nothing to see here.
Continue the patrol. Mercilessly attack suspicious movement on the end of the junior staffs' bed. Turns out she was wiggling her toes in her sleep. Well, how was I to know? Stalk off, but start feeling guilty, so sit by staff member's ear purring loudly to show she is forgiven.
Pop downstairs for a snack, then come back upstairs. Decide to dive under the duvet to check it really was her toes that were moving. Get lost and fall off the bed, but dig claws into the duvet and slide off with that.
Junior staff urgently want me to patrol outdoors. Do a quick check and then have to wait, howling, outside the back door until they remember to let me in. So inconsiderate. Get revenge by waiting until the male staff member has fallen asleep and then curl up over his face to see if he will wake up or suffocate.
The alarm already? I think I'll spend the day snoozing in the laundry basket after all that hard work.
|Saturday May 7 16.00 hours|
|Meditations on a rooftop|
|Wonderful view from up here. A highly recommended spot next to the survellience devices affixed to the chimney. My staff look so small down there. I can see their tiny faces turned up as they come out every hour or so to admire me.|
What's this? Another explorer? He's come out of the skylight and is creeping toward me, looking very intent. Damn, doesn't he realize this is a survellience operation, not a game of catch? Now he's put one foot through the tiles and is making miaowing noises. I'll concentrate on the view from the chimney and ignore him.
Now its the lad from next door with a ladder and a determined expression. Great, we can recce this observation point together. I trot down the tiles to welcome him, and he also makes a grab at me. what's with people wanting to play today? Well, it is kinda fun, watching as the ladder slides sideways leaving him holding on to the gutter. Purring, I rub my nose on his forehead.ugh! Sweaty monster.
Where did he go? Feeling curious, I jump onto the porch roof, richochet off a nearby tree branch, do a half twist and land on the garden wall (tricky that). Not that the staff appreciate it. They are playing in the rosebushes with the lad from next door. Oh well, I'm off indoors for a nap.
|Tuesday May 2 23.00 hours|
|Disaster! Our safe house was invaded by agents of Sugarkin, a faux-Persian who lives two blocks away. I smelt her scent even before the scum started hammering on our door; aggressively waving a bottle. Being the brains of the outfit, I scooted upstairs to watch from between the bannisters as my junior staff fought it out.|
Rather as with my face-to-face confrontations with la Sugarkin, the fight did not get physical. They sat on sofas a few yards apart and yowled at eachother. I did my bit with a sudden spring onto the coffee table to knock the contents of wine glass (red) into an invader's lap. Later when one attacker came back from spraying urine I got between his ankles on the stairs. He made a satisfying thump.
Eventually the invasion was repelled, though claws nearly came out at the end, when some of the females were nose to nose with the males. Have absorbed a lot of water, since I know the staff expect me to have sprayed over all traces of the invaders' scent by morning.
|Sunday April 28 15.00-17.00 hours|
|survelliance duty again. Log follows.|
1500 Took up station on garage roof.
1600 woke up. Cleaned hard to reach bits of nether regions
1620 Butch McAngus, the Burmese nutter, is wandering down the road this way
1625 Just a little closer, pleeeease and I'll drop on him like the wrath of God
1630 He vanished. Concentrate now
1700 He's behind me - on the roof ten feet away
1900 Two hours of eyeball-to-eyeball poker are interrupted by junior staff banging dinner plates. Angus dematerializes. How does he do that?
2000 Birds nesting in tree opposite. Start planning routes to nest, speculate on baby bird recipes
2035 Junior staff outside, making obscene amount of noise. They will scare the birds!
21.00 Switch to night vision. Teenage humans are making out in a nook between the garages. Start a creepy low yowl to see how long before they get spooked.
21.30 Damn. Fell asleep
21.45 Junior staff wandering around the garden with a torch. No idea what they are up to so decide to avoid them.
23.00 Do a final patrol of the grounds, and head back to base. My efforts had better be appreciated by the junior staff. I'm hungry.
|Saturday April 20 03.00 hours|
|I'm being tailed. I have a sixth sense for these things. Sometimes out of the corner of my eye, I can see my follower. He (or she?) is a long black slinky type, waving about as though pretending to be drunk, but I am not fooled. I know he's there. Sometimes I whip around at high speed, but he always manages to get behind me again. This guy's reflexes are as phenomenal as my own.|
I finally caught him following me up the stairs in the wee hours. I looked between my legs and saw him there, and managed to hook him with one claw. That guy knows how to inflict pain, but I gave as good as I got. By the time the junior staff had got up to see what the fuss was about, this guy and I had made friends. I nuzzled him and licked him a bit, and it made me feel kinda good. But now he's following me again, and its starting to bug me.